by Lindsay Britton
Arizona Cardinals fans, who up until three weeks ago didn’t exist, have been multiplying in record numbers across the entire continent. If you’re thinking that the Cardinals success is great for the country, e
conomy, and the NFL, you are dead wrong. In fact, the Cardinals success is literally making Americans sick.
“We first saw this a couple weeks ago,” said Ron Davis, a doctor I made up for the purposes of this article. “It’s called 'Cardinal Nausea' and someone is afflicted with it when their single-digit-IQ friends won’t stop talking about how Larry Fitzgerald is the greatest reciever in the history of the world, or how Kurt Warner invented the forward pass. Nevermind that three weeks prior to this event these guys were all Bears fans living in Chicago.” “Cardinal Nausea” is also the speculated cause of a recent nation-wide spike in divorces and rage-related traffic incidents.
Davis explained that there are a variety of symptoms people should be on the lookout for, such as a complete disinterest in the Super Bowl, the urge to move to Canada, and obsessive reading about baseball free agency. Davis also warns that “Cardinal Nausea” hits some people harder than others. “I’ve seen alot of stuff in the past few weeks,” Davis explained. “Last week in Sacramento a man wearing a Cardinals jersey was strangled in a shopping mall food court. ” If the Cardinals do win the Super Bowl, the effects of “Cardinal Nausea” could “damage the psychological fabric of this country for years to come,” Davis warned.
“Cardinal Nausea” is extending its reach into the world of sports apparel as well, as Cardinals jerseys, hats, and even nipple clamps have been flying off the shelves in record number, even in places like Green Bay, Denver, and Houston. One can’t help but wonder if these items will appear in mass quantities on eBay on February 2nd, should the Cardinals lose on Sunday. If they do, it will be a bandwagon mutiny on a scale not seen since Joe Flacco laid an egg in the AFC Championship last week.
The fickle nature of sports fans has some shop owners concerned. Fictional sporting goods store owner Randall Askew of Fort Worth, Texas, had this tale of woe to share: “Ya couple weeks ago this guy came in and bought a green Eagles jersey, McNabb, I think. Anyways he comes in last week and returns the jersey, then buys a red Cardinals jersey, Fitzgerald. He tells me the Cardinals have always been his team. I don’t know if his switching of allegiances is indicative of an identity crisis or whatnot, but I found it kinda weird. I’ve banned him from the store. What’s next? Trading in your Colt McCoy jersey for a Sam Bradford one? I for one won’t stand for that sort of hippie s#%t.” Dilligent shop owners like Askew may be one of the nations only hopes when it comes to ebbing out ‘Cardinal Nausea’ once and for all.
The other option, of course, is a Pittsburgh Steelers victory next Sunday. Which means you might end up cheering for the Steelers, which effectively makes this the worst Super Bowl ever. Hey look! Only three weeks until Spring Training!
http://blog.ingamenow.com/2009/01/27/cardinal-nausea-sweeping-nation-2/
No comments:
Post a Comment