Mustache Monday- Craig Stadler

March 24, 2009

By Lindsay Britton

Craig Stadler and his mustache won the Masters in 1982.
After winning that illustrious title he settled in to a life of having a mustache and being better than you. And while Stadler has 29 professional wins under his belt, it is safe to say that he wins everyday because his life’s work entails facial hair grooming and swinging a golf club.

Today Stadler plays on the Champions Tour, which I thought was an elite “mustache only” league. Turns out that such a thing doesn’t exist. This day is effectively ruined

http://blog.ingamenow.com/2009/03/23/mustache-monday-craig-stadler/

Predicting the Winners & Losers of the NCAA Tournament.

March 18, 2009
by Lindsay Britton

With so much talk of the favorites, top seeds, and possible Cinderella’s in this year’s NCAA tournament, why not take a look at some of the real winners and losers of the next few weeks?

Winner: You.
Loser: Your boss /The American Workplace.
Face it, you’ll phone in sick on Thursday and Friday so that you can watch 16th seeded teams lose by 50. In fact, you’re probably on WebMD right now looking for an obscure medical condition to claim. Although the typical cold and flu excuses will probably work, in situations like these I always play it safe and fake my own kidnapping. But, the police tend to follow up on “incidents” like that, so be sure to prepare a good back story. Just something to be aware of. CBS is even broadcasting some games live online, ensuring that workplace production will hit an all-time low. Hey, what recession?

Winner: Face/body paint companies.
Loser: People who wear face/body paint.
Unless your name is Bobo the Clown, you have no business wearing face paint to a sporting event. Ditto for team logo stickers/decals/whatever on your face. Cheerleaders (female) are exempt, but no one else, especially not the 400-pound Michigan fan who thinks maize and blue body paint is an acceptable substitute for a shirt. It isn’t. Nothing makes me happier than when face-painted idiots break down and start crying because their team lost. But hey, I guess if self-respect is out of your price range you can always buy some more face paint.

Winner: The city of Detroit, for hosting the Final Four
There’s no real loser here, but how often do Detroit and “Winner” appear on the same line?

BONUS!!! Bold tournament prediction: Your team will lose. Yes, yours. Take off the face paint

http://blog.ingamenow.com/2009/03/18/predicting-the-winners-and-losers-of-the-ncaa-tournament/.

Mustache Monday- Hall of Shame Edition.

March 2, 2009

By Lindsay Britton

For the past few weeks, Mustache Monday has profiled some of the best mustaches in professional sports, both past and present. Now, we want to show you that having a mustache isn’t all about driving a Camaro/ attending orgies/ listening to White Snake/ having restraining orders filed against you/ being awesome. This week, we give you a look at the dark side of mustaches with:

The Mustache Hall of Shame.

1- Matt Hasselback.
The Crime: Informing the referee at an overtime coin toss that “We want the ball, we’re gonna score,” then proceeding to throw an interception that was returned for the game winning TD. In the playoffs, no less. He also attempted this feeble, Pink Panther-esque mustache, guaranteeing him a spot in the Mustache Hall of Shame.

2- Robin Yount
The Crime: While Yount’s career numbers landed him in the Baseball Hall of Fame, his mustache never could keep up, being overshadowed by Wade Boggs and Don Mattingly when it came to American League mustache supremacy.

3- Karl Malone
The Crime: In addition to playing for the Utah Jazz, Malone also sported this deplorable ‘stache that was the envy of no one. Malone cited a Utah state law that forbid “mustache growing or anything fun” as the reason for his paltry effort, but our judges didn’t buy it, pointing to the fact that his mustache didn’t improve when he joined the Los Angeles Lakers.

4- Jeff Kent
The Crime: While fist-fighting your own teammate (especially when said teammate is Barry Bonds) should put you in line for some sort of Humanitarian Award, Kent’s mustache lent him no credibility with the Mustache Hall of Shame, who cited Kent’s lack of mustache creativity as the reason for his Hall of Shame selection. One judge commented “He looks like a software designer. This guy definitely doesn’t know how to party.”

http://blog.ingamenow.com/2009/03/02/mustache-monday-hall-of-shame-edition/

Mustache Monday- Lanny McDonald

February 16, 2009

By Lindsay Britton

Lanny McDonald and his red “Walrus” mustache played sixteen seasons in the NHL, playing for the Maple Leafs, Rockies, and Flames. McDonald’s wily mustache, which seemed to defy both logic and gravity, was the main reason behind the NHL’s decision to institute a league-wide mustache policy in 1986 that forbade players from growing comparable mustaches. According to inside sources, the league feared that a “mustache arms race” would open up too many old Cold War wounds. Thus, new league rules mandated that a mustache of McDonald’s caliber is only allowed to be sported by one player per season.

Currently, George Parros of the Anaheim Ducks is the only player allowed to wear such a mustache, which can transition from the hockey rink to the set of an amateur porn video with ease.

McDonald netted exactly 500 goals during his NHL career, and finished with 506 assists for a total of 1006 career points.However, his scoring prowess and Hockey Hall of Fame induction pale in comparison to McDonald’s achievements in the 1989 NHL playoffs, when McDonald’s mustache joined with his Grizzly Adams-esque beard. The result? McDonald captained his team to a Stanley Cup victory over the Montreal Canadiens, thereby establishing the mustache as the measuring stick by which all future team captains would be judged. McDonald went out on top, retiring a Stanley Cup and mustache champion after the 1989 season.

Unlike most former mustache sporting athletes, McDonald didn’t get rid of the mustache after his playing days. In fact, thanks to tireless grooming and an intense commitment to follicle health, McDonald’s mustache remains in “game shape” to this very day.

http://blog.ingamenow.com/2009/02/16/mustache-monday-lanny-mcdonald-2/

BREAKING NEWS- Detroit Lions traded to Canadian Football League.

February 19, 2009

By Lindsay Britton

After an 0-16 season, big changes were expected in the Motor City, but no one could have seen this coming.

Early this morning the Detroit Lions franchise was traded, in its entirety, to the CFL, for twenty-five pairs of hockey skates and a brochure about universal health care. Commissioner Roger Goodell praised the move, saying “Well, they’re somebody else’s problem now. And with these skates we can finally organize an office hockey game.” Goodell also plans to forward the health-care brochure to a local government representative. Goodell said the deal came after years of what can only be described as the Lions outright refusal to field even a decent team. Rumors out of the league offices are that former Lions GM Matt Millen’s “wide receiver drafting fetish” didn’t help matters either.

The CFL commissioner, who according to episodes of South Park is named either Terrance or Phillip, had this to say: “Well, twenty-five pairs of skates is a lot to give up, especially when you consider what we’re getting in return, but we felt compelled to help the American people anyway we could.” When asked whether “help” was a reference to the state of the American health-care system, the Canuck replied: "Taking the Detroit Lions off of the American public’s hands will do more than universal health care ever could.” He also added “No one should have to pay for that,” referring to anything Detroit Lions related.

The big question now for CFL officials is what to do with the newly acquired franchise. The rumors are varied, ranging from assimilation into the league all the way to stripping the team down "for parts", taking helmets, waters bottles, cleats, etc. One CFL official suggested that the Lions be used as a “what not to do” guide not only for the CFL, but professional sports in general. When asked whether or not the Lions coaching staff would be retained in any capacity, the CFL commissioner, who surprisingly bears no resemblance to a South Park character, said “Probably not. Whoever was running that team before didn’t appear to take football knowledge or competency into account when hiring. I think it’s best for all parties if these guys just pursue different avenues of employment.”

Detroit area politicians, surprisingly, have come out in praise of the trade, believing that not having a losing franchise like the Lions around will increase self-esteem and jump-start commerce in the economically- battered city. One official quipped “Hopefully they’ll buy Ford trucks to move all their stuff north. It’s the least they could do for drafting Joey Harrington and Charles Rogers.”

Luckily, Detroit sports fans won’t have to wait long for their next opportunity to watch live sporting futility, as opening day for the Detroit Tigers is April 6th.

http://blog.ingamenow.com/2009/02/19/breaking-news-detroit-lions-traded-to-canadian-football-league-2/

Mustache Monday: Wade Boggs We Salute You

Feb9, 2009
by Lindsay Britton

In what I can only hope will be a permanent endeavor, every Monday I will be profiling a mustachio’d athlete from the past or present, in hopes of raising mustache awareness worldwide. Today’s athlete: Wade Boggs.

A life-time .328 hitter, Boggs dominated opposing pitching the same way he dominated facial hair.

While most remember Boggs for his 12 consecutive All-Star appearances or 5 batting titles, he will be remembered most fondly for winning the American League Mustache title over Yankee first baseman Don Mattingly for the years 1982-1992, inclusive. Judges deemed that the thickness of the mustache, combined with the last name “Boggs,” virtually guaranteed him the title. His 11 consectutive Mustache Titles remain a Major League record to this day.

Boggs’ mustache landed him a roster spot on Mr. Burns’ team of ringers in an episode of “The Simpsons,” being famously punched out by Barney Gumble in an argument over British Prime Ministers. This marked the pinnacle of Boggs’ mustache career.

Sadly, he would lose the Mustache Title in 1993 after an accident while trimming forced him to shave off the mustache in its entirety. The time it took to grow back would cost Boggs dearly, as it allowed Rafael Palmeiro to sneak in and steal that years award.

Some say that the ‘93 season marked a decline for Boggs. While he was always in the running, he never again captured the Mustache Title, retiring after the ‘99 season sporting an abridged version of the mustache that had made him a fan favorite.

Boggs’ great play and even greater mustache landed him in the Baseball Hall of Fame in 2005. And, fittingly, in 2007 he was a part of the inaugural group inducted into the Mustaches in Sport Hall of Fame.

http://blog.ingamenow.com/2009/02/02/mustache-monday-wade-boggs-we-salute-you/

Guilt

This girl is one of my best friends & she's completely fabulous cause, well, otherwise we prolly wouldn't be friends ;) anyway, it is definitely not gluten-free & is completely indulgent. BUT. i decided to post a recipe after this for all the gluten-free getting cravings... enjoy

January 26, 2009
by Kat Dikeakos

We all do it, you know.

It’s embarrassing. You know this, yet you do it anyway, hoping you will never get caught.
Your body is craving it, your tongue may possibly want it even more, and even though you get it all over your face if you’re trying to drive at the same time, you still do it.

That’s right. You have late night trips to fast food joints. Wendy’s, Mcdonald’s, doesn’t matter, both of those blessed places are open late with drive thrus, so you don’t actually have to go inside the joint in shambles after whatever escapades you were up to.

Somehow, it’s never fast enough. It takes you an eternity between ordering (oh what do I have?! Cheeseburger? Nuggets? Both? Ok, fuck it, both!) and getting to pick it up...and with some amazing alignment with the gods, this always is under 3 bucks, no matter what you are ordering, or how much...

Of course, you don’t even bother to pull over to eat it. You unwrap whatever delicious crack-filled goodness you are going to have while you are driving at 12km/hr with your knees and then drive with one hand as you devour your food, getting sauce and lettuce all over yourself and trying to dip nuggets while balancing the goddamn holy wonderful dipping sauce on your dashboard, hoping you will hit a red light so you can finish it.

And somehow, and this doesn’t matter where you are coming from, if you are heading into kits, you are finished whatever you ordered by Arbutus. Now, you don’t know exactly how you managed to eat 3 cheeseburgers in five minutes, but you did it, and now you’re almost home.

Everyone does it. They won’t admit it most of the time. They will make excuses as to why there is mustard in their hair at 1am when “they went to take out the garbage”, and they will hide the wrappers.

....I stashed mine next to some floufy decorated basket in the garage.

‘Cardinal Nausea’ Sweeping Nation

Jan 27, 2009
by Lindsay Britton

Arizona Cardinals fans, who up until three weeks ago didn’t exist, have been multiplying in record numbers across the entire continent. If you’re thinking that the Cardinals success is great for the country, economy, and the NFL, you are dead wrong. In fact, the Cardinals success is literally making Americans sick.

“We first saw this a couple weeks ago,” said Ron Davis, a doctor I made up for the purposes of this article. “It’s called 'Cardinal Nausea' and someone is afflicted with it when their single-digit-IQ friends won’t stop talking about how Larry Fitzgerald is the greatest reciever in the history of the world, or how Kurt Warner invented the forward pass. Nevermind that three weeks prior to this event these guys were all Bears fans living in Chicago.” “Cardinal Nausea” is also the speculated cause of a recent nation-wide spike in divorces and rage-related traffic incidents.

Davis explained that there are a variety of symptoms people should be on the lookout for, such as a complete disinterest in the Super Bowl, the urge to move to Canada, and obsessive reading about baseball free agency. Davis also warns that “Cardinal Nausea” hits some people harder than others. “I’ve seen alot of stuff in the past few weeks,” Davis explained. “Last week in Sacramento a man wearing a Cardinals jersey was strangled in a shopping mall food court. ” If the Cardinals do win the Super Bowl, the effects of “Cardinal Nausea” could “damage the psychological fabric of this country for years to come,” Davis warned.

“Cardinal Nausea” is extending its reach into the world of sports apparel as well, as Cardinals jerseys, hats, and even nipple clamps have been flying off the shelves in record number, even in places like Green Bay, Denver, and Houston. One can’t help but wonder if these items will appear in mass quantities on eBay on February 2nd, should the Cardinals lose on Sunday. If they do, it will be a bandwagon mutiny on a scale not seen since Joe Flacco laid an egg in the AFC Championship last week.

The fickle nature of sports fans has some shop owners concerned. Fictional sporting goods store owner Randall Askew of Fort Worth, Texas, had this tale of woe to share: “Ya couple weeks ago this guy came in and bought a green Eagles jersey, McNabb, I think. Anyways he comes in last week and returns the jersey, then buys a red Cardinals jersey, Fitzgerald. He tells me the Cardinals have always been his team. I don’t know if his switching of allegiances is indicative of an identity crisis or whatnot, but I found it kinda weird. I’ve banned him from the store. What’s next? Trading in your Colt McCoy jersey for a Sam Bradford one? I for one won’t stand for that sort of hippie s#%t.” Dilligent shop owners like Askew may be one of the nations only hopes when it comes to ebbing out ‘Cardinal Nausea’ once and for all.

The other option, of course, is a Pittsburgh Steelers victory next Sunday. Which means you might end up cheering for the Steelers, which effectively makes this the worst Super Bowl ever. Hey look! Only three weeks until Spring Training!

http://blog.ingamenow.com/2009/01/27/cardinal-nausea-sweeping-nation-2/

One More Reason to Cheer for Baltimore.

January 15th, 2009

By Lindsay Britton
Being the Mayor of Pittsburgh clearly wasn’t enough for Luke Ravenstahl. He needed an act that would annouce to the citizens of Pittsburgh, and the country, that 1) he loves the Steelers, and 2) the people of Pittsburgh should have elected someone else.
Well, Mayor Ravenstahl has found that act.
On Wednesday he announced that he would be changing his surname from Ravenstahl to “Steelerstahl” in the days leading up to the Ravens-Steelers AFC title game. ”Steelerstahl” touted the name change as a showing of his allegiance to the Steelers, clearly demonstrating that he had confused “team pride” with “flat-out idiocy.” By taking time out from his mayoral duties in order to announce the change,”Steelerstahl” struck a blow to the legitmacy of civic politics and democracy in general.
Reaction to the name change is still coming in, but the overwhelming consensus seems to be that it’s the Baltimore Ravens patriotic duty to defeat the Steelers by a minimum score of 200-0.
Baltimore mayor Sheila Dixon, who is well aware that surnames have no bearing on the outcome of football games, couldn’t be reached for comment. She was probably busy doing her job.

http://blog.ingamenow.com/2009/01/15/one-more-reason-to-cheer-for-baltimore/

Game Over

Jan7, 2009
by Lindsay Britton
Cornerback and police incident enthusiast Adam “Pacman” Jones was given his walking papers from the Dallas Cowboys earlier today. Jones, a front-runner for the NFL’s coveted “Most Career Arrests” award, had his unproductive season cut short when he decided that “recreational time” included hand-to-hand combat with his own team-assigned security guards. Following the incident a six week suspension was levied on Jones, who spent part of that time in an alcohol rehabilitation program. The release is not official until February 9th, the first day teams may place players on waivers. Look for the Oakland Raiders to make Jones an offer, as Al Davis and Jerry Jones continue to compete to see which team’s roster can contain more police blotter.

http://blog.ingamenow.com/2009/01/07/game-over/

College Football Played on West Coast, apparently.

Jan4, 2009
by Lindsay Britton
College football fans in the Central and Eastern time zones where given a shock on New Year’s Day when USC defeated Penn State in the Rose Bowl, pushing the Pac-10’s bowl record to a spotless 5-0. Fans from Kansas to the Carolinas thought their respective newspapers had fudged the numbers, or perhaps new universities had been made up overnight as a part of an elaborate plan to move “April Fool’s Day” to New Years Day. These same fans were shocked to learn that teams do indeed exist in strange cities like “Eugene” and “Berkeley.” And, not only did these schools actually exist, they are also good at football. In the past three years Oregon has beaten Oklahoma, Michigan, and USC, in addition to their 42-31 win over a good Oklahoma State team in the Holiday Bowl. Cal, meanwhile, defeated Tennessee and was on the verge of being ranked #1 during the 2007 season. This season they defeated a Michigan State team that ended up playing in a New Year’s Day game, and they sported the leagues’ leading rusher, junior-to-be Jahvid Best.. Not bad for two teams in a “weak” conference. Also, look for Best to appear on a few preseason Heisman lists next August.
Moving down the coast, we now go to “Los Angeles,” which until recently was thought to exist only in “the movies.” Los Angeles is home to one of the most dominant teams of the decade, the Trojans of USC. Since Pete Carroll took over the program in 2001, the Trojans have appeared in 7 BCS games, sporting a 6-1 record, with the only loss coming in arguably the best national title game of recent memory, the 2006 Rose Bowl versus Texas. 7 out of 8 years his team has gone to a BCS game. 7 straight years of 11 or more wins, and all this amidst numerous players leaving early for the NFL, or assistants taking positions at other schools. Fresh off a Rose Bowl victory over Penn State, USC looks to reload for another 11+ win season.
USC is the flagship school of the Pac-10, and they represent the conference well on the national stage. With the success of other Pac-10 schools during this bowl season, schools around the nation took notice of the legitimacy of teams like Oregon, Cal, Oregon St., and Arizona. Also, the Pac-10 has also repeatedly apologized for its inclusion of Washington and Washington State. They are looking in to trading the two schools for Boise State and Utah.

http://blog.ingamenow.com/2009/01/04/college-football-played-on-west-coast-apparently/

Fake News: Detroit Lions ruin football, families

my friend writes for a sports site (ingamenow.com) and I absolutely love his humor, so he's agreed to let me add his posts to my blog. they are definitely gluten-free (& without lactose)

Dec24, 2008
by Lindsay Britton
The Detroit Lions are playing a level of football rarely seen before. Not only are they getting embarassed on the scoreboard, but now their empire of losing is expanding to breaking up families. A father and son from Pontiac, Michigan are no longer on speaking terms after an ill advised pre-Christmas gift of Detroit Lions tickets. Jason Dodson foolishly purchased two tickets for the Lions home finale against the Saints, one for himself and one for his father, Randy. “Lions tickets? I honestly thought he loved me,” Randy said of his son. “He may as well have put me in a home. A gift like that is insulting.” The younger Dodson was interviewed by the local media yesterday. “He refuses to speak to me, or even acknowledge my existence,” the younger Dodson said. “My mother caught him trying to burn my birth certificate and old family photos this morning.” When asked to validate his reaction, the elder Dodson replied ” I showed up to work every day for thirty-five years, I don’t think it’s too much to ask these guys (the Lions) to show up at least once in fifteen weeks.” After the “gift” exchange Randy Dodson declared Christmas officially canceled while he considered either disowning his son or selling him in to the South American drug trade. Dodson talked openly about dropping his interest in football to become an avid spectator of lawn bowling or figure skating and Dodson’s family seems to agree with his decision. “It’s the best thing for him,” said Shirley Dodson, Randy’s wife of forty-five years. “He’s got high blood pressure, and swearing and throwing things at the television every Sunday doesn’t help matters. Randy plans to watch figure skating because “the classical music clams my nerves.” The Dodson’s aren’t the only ones to be torn apart by the rancid play of the Detroit Lions. Incidents like these have been popping up with alarming frequency. Since Septmeber the Lions have been to blame for numerous stock markets collapses, apartment fires, and even world hunger. When asked about what his son should have given him, Dodson quipped “he may as well have given me crippling depression.”

http://blog.ingamenow.com/2008/12/24/fake-news-detroit-lions-ruin-football-families/