By Lindsay Britton
After an 0-16 season, big changes were expected in the Motor City, but no one could have seen this coming.
Early this morning the Detroit Lions franchise was traded, in its entirety, to the CFL, for twenty-five pairs of hockey skates and a brochure about universal health care. Commissioner Roger Goodell praised the move, saying “Well, they’re somebody else’s problem now. And with these skates we can finally organize an office hockey game.” Goodell also plans to forward the health-care brochure to a local government representative. Goodell said the deal came after years of what can only be described as the Lions outright refusal to field even a decent team. Rumors out of the league offices are that former Lions GM Matt Millen’s “wide receiver dra
fting fetish” didn’t help matters either.
fting fetish” didn’t help matters either.The CFL commissioner, who according to episodes of South Park is named either Terrance or Phillip, had this to say: “Well, twenty-five pairs of skates is a lot to give up, especially when you consider what we’re getting in return, but we felt compelled to help the American people anyway we could.” When asked whether “help” was a reference to the state of the American health-care system, the Canuck replied: "Taking the Detroit Lions off of the American public’s hands will do more than universal health care ever could.” He also added “No one should have to pay for that,” referring to anything Detroit Lions related.
The big question now for CFL officials is what to do with the newly acquired franchise. The rumors are varied, ranging from assimilation into the league all the way to stripping the team down "for parts", taking helmets, waters bottles, cleats, etc. One CFL official suggested that the Lions be used as a “what not to do” guide not only for the CFL, but professional sports in general. When asked whether or not the Lions coaching staff would be retained in any capacity, the CFL commissioner, who surprisingly bears no resemblance to a South Park character, said “Probably not. Whoever was running that team before didn’t appear to take football knowledge or competency into account when hiring. I think it’s best for all parties if these guys just pursue different avenues of employment.”
Detroit area politicians, surprisingly, have come out in praise of the trade, believing that not having a losing franchise like the Lions around will increase self-esteem and jump-start commerce in the economically- battered city. One official quipped “Hopefully they’ll buy Ford trucks to move all their stuff north. It’s the least they could do for drafting Joey Harrington and Charles Rogers.”
Luckily, Detroit sports fans won’t have to wait long for their next opportunity to watch live sporting futility, as opening day for the Detroit Tigers is April 6th.
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